Dreaming Out Loud
by Ayshen
Summary: There's someone I've been missing, I think that they could be, The better half of me...Four Part Story. EO set after Season 12 Finale. A different kind of life creeps into Elliot's dreams. Now Complete!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a two shot. I was listening to One Republic sing, "Come Home" and I felt inspired. **

**It's EO, because it's always EO for me. It's set four months after the Season 12 finale so El is gone. This part is all his POV. **

_Hello world  
>Hope you're listening<br>Forgive me if I'm young  
>For speaking out of turn<br>There's someone I've been missing  
>I think that they could be<br>The better half of me_

_They're in the wrong place trying to make it right  
>But I'm tired of justifying<em>

_(Come Home – One Republic)_

_It's dark when he pushes the key in the door and pushes it open softly. The alarm beeps as he closes the door. Pressing his code in, he resets it and gently places his keys on the table in the foyer. He almost trips over a squeaky plush toy on his way to the stairs and mutters a string of expletives before picking it up and tossing it on the couch._

_The stairs squeak slightly under his weight and the exhaustion begins to weigh in his bones. It had been a long night, his neck is stiff from hours in the car, and he just wants to collapse onto the bed. But first he opens the door to the corner bedroom and he's not surprised to see the little bed still made and empty. Shaking his head with a wry smile, he walks down the hall his hand gently turning to the knob._

_Moonlight flits through the drapes and his heart swells as his gaze travels to the bed. Their bodies are curved inwards to each other, almost heart shaped._

_Down like toffee colored curls were buried into the pillow, the stuffed giraffe tucked under one arm, the other fisted in the blanket._

_He's just staring at them; the swell of pride constricting his chest. It's overwhelming and it makes a sweet ache spread through him. Her eyes flit open looking at him and he puts his finger over his lips and she smiles dreamily at him._

_Quickly he strips down to his boxers and crawls in next to her, the smell of her hair invading his nostrils, "Good morning" she murmurs sleepily gazing at him under hooded lashes._

_She's breathtaking, she's his, "Now it is" he whispers back leaning in to kiss her nose._

_"Mmm' she says closing her eyes and curves towards him._

_Wrapping his arms around her he feels the tension finally release from his muscles, "I love you Olivia"_

He wakes up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath.

Swallowing hard he rubs his face trying to gain some clarity. He can hear Kathy's rhythmic breathing next to him and it makes the memory of the dream burn at his skin like acid.

It's not the first time she's invaded his dreams…and he knows that makes him a bigger bastard then he already feels he is. Slowly he climbs out of bed, making sure not to wake her, and pads downstairs to the fridge.

Cracking open a bottle of water he downs it in one shot.

The good solid Catholic guilt burns at his insides and he tries to shake it off…._it's just an innocent dream, he just misses her._

That's how he explains dreaming of a life he'll never have with the woman that is not his wife.

As fucked up at is it; he almost wishes they were sex dreams. That he could easily shrug off as hormones because _Olivia's fucking beautiful_…but these, these are more damning.

They are so visceral, so real...and the worst part about it…when he wakes up; there is a sadness that crawls into his skin and spreads through his veins because he can still smell her hair, still feel his arms around her…but she's not there…and yet she's in every space inside of him. The spaces he's never let anyone else; those are the places she dwells in, and it's slowly killing him.

Tossing the bottle in the recycling bin he grabs a throw out of the linen closet, flips on the television and makes a bed on the couch. The sky is fading from black to blue when he finally falls asleep.

"Dadddddddddy" is how he is awoken two hours later with Eli hopping up on the couch with him, the remote in his hand, already turning his cartoons on.

"Morning buddy" he mutters sleepily pulling himself up.

"Morning!" he replies happily pulling a piece of the blanket over himself.

This is their morning routine and he knows that it's fucked up because his son thinks Daddy's bedroom is the living room.

OoO

_The adrenaline courses through his veins as he moves up the staircase. Each step claps hard under his weight and his heart beats wildly against his ribcage as he gets closer to the door._

_When he gets there he tries to catch his breath, it's been so long…too long._

_He's thought of this moment every second of every day that he hadn't seen her and his mouth goes parched and as his fist raises he forgets all those well rehearsed words he had practiced._

_A man answers, his height, short dark hair, blue eyes._

_She's moved…fuck._

_"Can I help you" the stranger asked with a good natured smile._

_Shaking his head he tries to clear the fog, "I must…Olivia Benson, she used to live here"_

_The smile gets bigger, his eyes twinkle as he turns, "Liv, babe, it's for you"_

_Liv._

_It's like a punch to the gut and he all he can hear is the rapid pace of his heart ricocheting against his eardrums._

_When she appears she's radiant, glowing and then she sees him, "El"_

_Her hand rests at her burgeoning abdomen and he's fighting like hell to push oxygen into his lungs._

_He's too late…it's too late._

He is shaking when he wakes, his stomach knotted and he feels like dry heaving. His sheets are twisted, half pulled off the bed and his head is in his hands. This dream, it feels like dying, like someone is slowly tearing your insides out as you simply forced to watch it all happen.

He's been sleeping in the guest room for months; Kathy doesn't ask…he doesn't say. They are going through the motions and he knows it's his fault. Physically he is here…in every other way he's trying to figure out who this man is living this life.

OoO

"I accepted a long time ago that you'd always be just a little bit in love with her"

He's sitting at the table, she's washing dishes, Eli is asleep. She looks tired and when she says it; there is no maliciousness or anger. It's like she's just checked out.

But he guesses it's only fair, since he did that a long time ago.

His mouth flails a bit and he tries to say something…_anything._

Yet he just sits there staring at her. They've been married for over two decades, five children, but they are virtually strangers now. All the kids are gone, except Eli, and the ties that bound them had unraveled years ago.

"But, I told myself it was me you came home to…it was me who had your ring on her finger…it was me you chose a life with"

"Kath" he manages to get out as straggled and sputtered as it sounds.

Her hand comes up to stop him from speaking and he can't help but feeling a throbbing ache inside him. They had just been kids…and now she stands before him, the bags under her eyes, the light in her blue orbs dulled. He's done this to her, and he hates himself for it.

"You dream about her…you always have but, I thought that when you resigned…that you'd start living a life with me"

There is so much inside of him. He wants to curse, he wants to yell so loud that it reverberates off the walls, to throw the kitchen table into the wall but he just stands there gripping the kitchen table, his knuckles white as a ghost.

"Eli and I are going to my mom's" she tells him with sad resignation in her voice, "You don't have to leave right away but I think it would be best to tell the kids soon so that I…we can begin to move on"

He can feel the moisture pool in his eyes; it's been over…in their hearts but it doesn't make him feel any better. He failed…as a father, as a man, _as her partner_.

She walks by him, her arms crossed in front of her, tears wetting her cheeks but she stops in the doorway, "I don't regret it…anything. We had a good marriage, we have great kids"

When she leaves, he feels the salty tears on his lips and he feels the oddest mix of pain and relief.

OoO

_"I really don't appreciate you being such a pig headed jealous asshole"_

_Groaning he rolls his eyes, "He was flirting with you, how the hell did you want me to act?"_

_Shaking her head she narrows his eyes. It's a familiar look and, he would chuckle if he didn't think she would kick his ass._

_"El, he's my partner"_

_That kicked him in the gut and he scowled. He hated anyone else being her partner; he hated trusting another person to have her back, to sit across the desk from her and know what kind of tea she likes, or how she orders her eggs._

_"I know" he says his teeth gritted tightly as he tries to rub the tension out of his neck._

_Her face softens as she comes towards him, her cappuccino colored eyes twinkling. She lets out a playful exasperated sigh, "He's my partner...you're the man I love" she says blue eye meeting brown as her hands rise to his cheek, "Even if you act like a Neanderthal"_

_A smile spreads across his face. He loves her…and it's a different kind of love then he's ever experienced; it consumes him, brings him to the brink of his emotions…happiness, anger, ache, longing and he sometimes feels like he's teetering at the edge of madness._

_And he wouldn't change it for anything._

_"You know how much I love you" he tells her possessively, their eyes meeting in the way that says more than any words ever could._

_"I know"_

These mornings he wakes with a slow smile on his face, he feels like he's floating on air. The apartment is small, but cozy. It's been six months…the divorce is final today. It hurts. He would be lying if he said that there weren't moments where it felt like there was a boulder on his chest…but most of the time there was a certain semblance of peace he had searched so long for.

Kathleen had once told him she had a post it note on her mirror that read, _"Today Is The First Day of the Rest of Your Life." _He had laughed, it sounded like new age mumbo jumbo to him…but waking up this morning, he thinks he actually might understand it.

Because he's finally ready to live again…and he prays, if God's still listening, that it's a life with her.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I lied, it will be three parts. **

**Thanks for everyone who is reading. Reviews are always appreciated and fuel the muse. **

"Semper Fidelis medal?"

She hadn't even noticed she was unconsciously fingering it. For some reason, that she wasn't really eager to face or admit, that cold piece of medal seemed to be able to bring her some semblance of clarity and comfort when the ache inside of her felt overwhelming.

Forcing a smile she tries to focus, "Yeah, it was a gift"

He doesn't ask more and she's not exactly an open book. They've been dating for five months…and what they have is easy, without painful complexities and blurred lines. He had come at a time where she felt like she was drowning without _him_.

"You must be close"

"We were"

If someone would have told her that she'd ever be referring to him in past tense; she wouldn't have believed it. But that was her life now; he had left her…walked away and never looked back.

His phone beeps and he sighs, "Jury's in"

"Okay"

They both understand that the job comes first; it may be one of the reasons it works between them. He gets up from the table, kisses her forehead gently and he's gone. Getting up from the table she picks up their dishes, places them in the sink and walks back towards the window.

The medal is clutched in her palm again burning its imprint into her hand. In two weeks it would have been a year…and she knows it should be better…that the pain shouldn't be as palpable as it was the day she found out, or the day she opened his package…but it's still raw and she's afraid to admit she clings to it because her heart doesn't know how to live without him.

OoO

_He's standing at sink smirking at her. His blue eyes dance and she's annoyed, "What?" she snaps clearing the dishes._

_When he doesn't say anything she slaps the plates down together, "This was a disaster" she says before turning around and making a beeline for the bedroom._

_First dinner with his kids over at the house…the most awkward moment. She saw how Dickie looked at her, how uncomfortable Kathleen was and how Lizzie tried to idle chit chat to erase the tension. At least Eli seemed okay._

_"Liv"_

_She doesn't want to turn around; she's afraid that he's going to realize how colossally fucked up it all is. Instead she feels his hands grip her arms; as he leans into her neck, the hot breath teasing and tingling, "They'll come around" he whispered._

_Fighting back the tears in her throat she sighed and he kissed her neck, "They are my kids and I love them…but you, Olivia, are my world"_

It's the car horn that rouses her from her sleep. The vividness of the dream has made her feel naked, and the tears on her cheeks remind her that she's still all alone.

Getting up she goes to her kitchen and thinks about drowning herself in a bottle of wine. Instead she pours a glass of water and stares at the picture that still sits on her desk, "Damn you El" she murmurs to herself, _"Damn you"_

OoO

He should have come sooner. He knows it. But for awhile he felt like he was trapped in the middle of the ocean, swallowing water and he didn't want to drag her down with him. He had done that before, and this time…this time he needed to get it right.

Rubbing his hands over his face he fought the dread in his gut. A year…fuck, a goddamn year. The rage, the anger at himself courses through his veins and he's trying to suck in air because he knows this could be the end. If he walks to her door and she's moved on…he doesn't know how he'll live through that.

It's a lazy Sunday afternoon, and he sneaks through the door with a pizza delivery man…and then he's there at her door.

Two knocks, he hears shuffling, the opening of the peephole, a gasp, "El"

"Liv"

OoO

She's been on edge the whole morning and when the knock on the door comes; all the hairs on her arms stand on end. _Him_.

Her body knew…it always knew. They had always been so in sync; like they could sense each other without words. She didn't know whether to laugh at the connection or cry.

A year, a fucking year and he shows up at her doorstep with that goddamn smile.

With trembling hands she opens the door; she can do this…_she can_.

It's a nervous smile, the corners of his mouth seem to kind of flail and his blue eyes are stormy, a deep intense blue that's the same color as the night sky before it goes back, "Hey"

"Come in"

She wants…needs to be cold, needs to harden her heart…she needs to be guarded…but it's him and being raw and exposed is almost as natural as breathing.

They are silent for a moment; simply staring at each other and she wants to slap him, hug him, touch his face, make sure he's not another one of her dreams mocking her, "What…"

The question dies in her throat as he smiles at her, "Your hair's long"

OoO

He's an asshole. After a year and he makes a comment about her hair…but, he couldn't stop himself. He just wanted to stare at her forever…to memorize all the ways she had changed and everything that remained the same. He's not sure how it's possible that she's become more beautiful. He wants to reach out and touch the softly waved strands of her hair, to tangle his fingers in it, to just feel her.

Her hand comes up to it unconsciously, almost shy, "Yeah"

"It looks great"

OoO

They are standing in her living room, talking about her fucking hair. Like he didn't walk out on her and not call her for a year.

Why can't she be more pissed, why hasn't she tossed his ass out and told him too little, too late.

Because when he's looking at her_, like that_…she has a hard time even remembering to breathe.

"Thanks"

Their gazes never leave each other's and she is memorizing every infliction of emotion on his face; the storm in his eyes, the twitch in his mouth and then the way his lip trembles, "I'm so sorry"

It's the straw that breaks the camel's back and she can feel the dam breaking inside of her. She tried to compartmentalize her feelings for him, to put them in neat boxes inside of her head and her heart…but having him there, two feet in front of her…it's too much…and this year of numbness is replaced by her nerve endings feeling like exposed live wires.

"Don't do this" she ordered.

He stopped.

"Don't come here, after a year, a goddamn year Elliot and tell me you're sorry"

OoO

The hurt and anger is radiating off of her in waves and it makes his skin itch to know what he's put her through this last year. Mentally he had known she was hurting but seeing it, it was like taking a dagger and plunging it into his own heart.

"I know" he whispers haggardly.

He wants her to rage at him, to yell, to tell him how much of a fucking moron he is, to smack him, because he knows he deserves it for leaving her.

"NO YOU DON'T" she screamed, "You don't know what it was like for me…to have Cragen have to tell me you put your papers in, to have to clean out your desk…you have no idea!"

The saline in his eyes pools and he looks down at his shoes, "I know what it was like for you to leave me…" he tells her meeting her gaze once again.

Her eyes are wide, and she pulls her lip between her teeth, crossing her arms across her chest, "I came back…_I came back_" she repeats a little softer and a little more broken.

Nodding he steps closer to her, relieved when she doesn't turn away, "That's what I'm trying to do"

OoO

She's so angry, she can feel the blood in her veins hot with so much pent up hurt and rage that it feels like she's burning from the inside. She wants to hit him, so badly…and the paradox inside of her wants to hug him; to smell his skin, to feel again…even for a moment.

"_That's what I'm trying to do"_

For a moment the world stands still and she can hear her heart beat ramming against her chest, "What? You want to come back to SVU?" comes out as a strangled whisper.

His face falls a little and she shakes his head looking away, the solitary tear falling down his cheek, "I don't give a damn about the job Liv…I came back for you"

The words are like a gun shot wound to the chest. And she's pretty sure she's bleeding out all over her living room floor; staining both of them. His words slide up and down her skin, marking her, scarring her.

"_I came back for you"_ plays on a loop in her head and she's flailing as all that burning red hot anger dulls into that deep throbbing ache in her chest.

She can taste her salty tears, she can feel him in front of her…inside of her, all around her filling up every empty space.

It's too much…too much and she's swallowing her tears, "I need you to go"

"Liv"

"Go, please, I can't do this right now"

OoO

He's not done, not by a long shot, but he doesn't want to hurt her anymore then he already is, "Okay" is all he manages to choke out before he's turning around.

But he can't…he can't just leave it like this so pivoting on his heel he steps towards her.

The swirls in her brown eyes show so much emotion that it nearly overwhelms him. How did he ever walk away from her?

"I thought about you and missed you every moment of everyday"

There's no waiting for her response and he walks away from her.

_I'll be back Liv, this isn't over…_he whispers his head resting against her closed door.

OoO

A part of her aches to run after him, to let him hold her and to feel safe again. But there is a part of her that is still pissed off and confused as hell about everything.

Stumbling towards the door she rests her forehead against it and watches the tear drops stain her hardwood. He walked away…just like she did…but he came back…just like she did.

OoO

A glass of wine sits in her hand as the apartment goes dark. She should get up…move…eat…but her muscles ache and her bones are tired. Seeing him had stolen every ounce of energy she had. How could he take and give so much all at the same time.

The only thing that jars her is the familiar sound of her cell phone vibrating. The unfamiliar number makes her sigh, "Benson"

"Olivia"

It's been a long time since she's heard that voice.

"Maureen?" she questions her body stiffening and warning bells going off in her head, "Is everything alright"

There is a slight tremble in her voice, "It's dad…Olivia, I didn't know who else to call"

So many questions that she could ask but they didn't need answers; not until she knew he was okay.

Her hand trembled and she fought the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, "It's okay, what happened?"

A small sob escapes her mouth and Olivia feels like the walls are caving in, "Maureen"

"Dad was in a car accident…he's in surgery…its…_bad_"

The waves crash in around her and she can't breathe, she can't move and her mind is trying to process it. She had just seen him, _she had just seen him._

Shaking she tried to compose herself, she was a cop, she could do this, "Okay Maureen, what hospital"

"Bellevue"

"I will be right there"

"Okay"

Hanging up she quaked with emotion…he had to be okay…_he had to_.

As she ran out of her apartment she looked at the black sky, _"Please don't take him away from me again" _


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is the classic tale of when a fic gets out of control. I thought I could finish this in 3 parts but there's one part left…or we'd have a 4000 word chapter. Thank you for your reviews, they mean more to a writer then one can realize. **

"_I can practically hear you thinking" _

_She had been quiet the entire evening; something obviously weighing heavily on her mind. It wasn't a case because they had shared that for thirteen years and it was as easy breathing. _

_Moonlight flitted through the blinds and the room was almost black, toffee eyes shimmering with moisture. _

"_Liv?" he asked swallowing the lump in his throat. _

"_I want a baby" _

_The fear that festered began to dissipate and he reached a finger out to brush the lock of her hair behind her ear, "Yeah?"_

"_Yeah"_

_Nodding he propped himself up on an elbow and stared. Sometimes it was overwhelming, being together. Because every emotion was amplified ten- fold and the pain, hunger, happiness, ache, were like nothing else ever experienced. _

"_I didn't know how much I did…and I know that you have your kids…"_

_Reaching out, his hand came to her taut abdomen, "I want you to have my daughter"_

OoO

"Olivia!"

The ride to the hospital had been surreal and if it wasn't instinctual she couldn't have explained how she got there because every moment feels like being trapped underwater, choking, fighting, praying.

Maureen's voice called out for her as soon as the emergency room's doors opened and in an instant the woman in front of her seemed so young, scared, "I'm sorry I didn't know who else to call" she explained trembling.

Swallowing the sob that sat in her throat and nodding, "It's okay, just tell me what happened"

Tears filled blue orbs and her lip trembled slightly, "A guy coming home from the night shift fell asleep at the wheel, he ran the red light…dads in surgery, they said they would update me when they could…but there was some internal damage"

_He'll be okay, he has to be okay. _

Eyes closed, forcing breath into lungs, "Okay, have you called your mom"

Shaking her head, her eyebrows furrowed, "My mom went out of town with David for the weekend, Connecticut, I think, I left her a message but…"

_David…out of town. _

Maureen seemingly sensed her confusion, "Olivia, dad didn't tell you? My parents…they are divorced"

OoO

"_Club soda"_

_Peeling the label off his beer he let out a deep sigh before looking to the older man, "Don"_

"_Elliot" he started before the waitress dropped off the club soda and another beer, "The captain in Queen's called me"_

"_Yeah"_

"_He said he didn't want to step on any toes by bringing you on"_

_Their eyes meet and Elliot sighed, "I'm ready to go back to work"_

"_But not to SVU"_

_Did he want to go back to the 1-6? Hell yeah, everyday. He hated that there was someone else sitting across from her, someone else knowing how she takes her tea, someone else watching her back. But he also knows it's no longer an option._

"_I can't Cap"_

_Don's eyes soften, "I would have had your back about Jenna…we all would"_

"_It's not that…anymore"_

_Olivia is going to kick his ass for doing this without telling her but it's Cragen who has always been like a father figure to him. _

"_What is it?"_

_Taking a long drink he sets his bottle down and then meets the man's gaze again, "Things have changed between Olivia and I…and I don't think we can work together"_

_For a moment his mouth opened to say something until he seemed to realize the enormity of what he was being told, "You two?" he asked his mouth sort of flailing. _

_A grin spread across his face and he was sure there was a crimson flush spread up his neck and to his face, "Yeah"_

_Nodding he took a sip of his drink before a wry smile spread across his face, "Bout damn time you pulled your head out your ass"_

OoO

_Six months…six months. _

Maureen had finally gotten a hold of Kathy and was outside explaining the situation. She sat in a plastic chair, her hands red and chafed from the wringing, and her heart limping to beat inside of her chest. There was no way she could lose him…not again, not forever.

"My mom's on her way home" Maureen explained sitting down.

They sat in silence but Maureen reached over the armrest to entwine their fingers and she fought back the sob in her chest.

The swinging doors of the OR opened and a scrub clad doctor came to them, "Stabler?" he confirmed.

"Yes" they chorused as they stood their hands still grasped together tightly.

"There was some internal bleeding, he broke five ribs and one of them punctured a lung. It looks like we have that taken care of. He also hit the glass pretty hard with his head and we were worried about any damage but his brain activity is good and the CAT scan came back clean"

Double sighs escaped their chests and the doctor smiled, "The road to recovery will be a long one and there are no guarantees but we've gotten past this first hurdle"

It felt like the boulder on her chest had shifted the blood in her veins finally beginning to flow again and the world wasn't dangling on a fraying tether.

"Can we see him?"

"He's post OP, still in the ICU, so one visitor at a time, fifteen minutes. He's in ICU 3"

They both nodded and he smiled before pivoting and walking away. Turning to each other, tears puddle in both of their eyes, "Go see him" Maureen said smiling.

"What? No, you..."

"Olivia…he'd want _you_ in there"

OoO

OoO

"_A year El, A YEAR, a you couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone? It's like you didn't even mi…" _

_Words punctured and the pain was worse than any gunshot wound he had experienced. Her face was twisted in pain, her toffee eyes shimmering with pissed off and hurt unshed tears. There was no explaining it away, no excuse he had for hurting her…but he needed to tell her, to try and explain. _

"_I felt like I was drowning after…I killed her, a kid…and every time I closed my eyes, I saw her face"_

"_I know"_

_Their eyes lock and he knows that she understands…and he hates himself a little more for hurting her, "I thought I should be strong enough to handle it on my own but, I couldn't. Without you there, it was like drowning…and you want to know if I missed you? I missed you from the moment I woke up in the morning to the moment I fell asleep at night…and even then I couldn't get you out of my head" he practically growled closing the distance between them._

"_El"_

_It's a beg for mercy because when things get too real, they run…they hide from each other, they hurt each other but trying to deny that there's something more; that there's always been something more…it's slowly killing him. _

"_Liv"_

_Slowly he brings a hand to her cheek, the rough pad of his thumb swiping an errant tear that had began to make a trail down her cheek. _

_Gazes locked he searches hers for permission, for a sign that he's not fucking crazy and alone in everything he is feeling. Those shimmering eyes are filled with so much…pain, sadness, fear, ache…but in them there is a longing too. _

_Leaning in, their noses brush slightly the contact bringing goosebumps to flesh. When his lips finally touch hers, it feels like coming home. It's gentle at first, like the gentle flutter of wings, but it becomes overwhelming and his tongue darts out so swipe her lips unleashing a fire between them. Suckling, nibbling, their tongues dueling for control, hands entangled in hair and he swears to God if he knew that it would be this could, he's not sure he could have held back for this long. _

_As they part, they are both breathless, his hands grip her arms gently and he leans in against her forehead, "I love you"_

Holding her breath she tries to stifle the sob at the sight of him. He is pale even against the white of the hospital sheets, stitches in his forehead, and he's still the most beautiful sight she's ever laid eyes on. Taking a gush of wind in she walks to the bed and it seems natural to entwine their fingers, to feel his warmth and know that he's still here…still with her.

"You know, it's kind of extreme getting in a car accident so I'd feel bad and speak to you again" she said trying to tease but having it come out as a half strangled sob, "El, you really scared me…as much as it hurt for you to leave…I need to know that you're out there in the world somewhere…I can't…I can't lose you"

OoO

_Hands tremble as they touched bare skin. He wanted to touch her for hours, days, years, to memorize the way every inch of her naked skin felt under his scarred hands. _

_With my hands I worship thee. _

"_El" she moaned as his lips hit just above her navel. _

_God he could get used to the way that sounded. _

_It was slow, sometimes nearing the point of painful, but she felt amazing...perfect, and he wanted to make it last for as long as he possibly could. _

_Fourteen years of abstaining, holding back, pretending…to finally unleash it all was like a religious experience…rebirth, and he hadn't felt more alive. _

OoO

"Olivia"

The voice was familiar as she was roused out of sleep. The last thing she remembered was the last time she had switched shifts with Maureen so she could go home and get some sleep. Her eyes fluttered open and she met the red rimmed eyes of Kathy Stabler.

"Kathy"

"The nurse said I could come in…is he…has he?"

"They are keeping him under so he can heal said he wouldn't probably wake up until midday"

She nodded, "Okay…good"

Their hands were still interlaced and she felt a sudden burst of awkward standing with his wife…ex-wife in the same room. Letting go she stood, "I can go so you can spend some time"

A knowing forlorn smile came to the blonde's face, "No…you should be the one here Olivia"

An awkward silence filled the room only thwarted by the beeping machines, "I'm going to go pick up the twins" she told her turning around but stopping at the door and turning back, "He lost a part of himself when he quit…I wanted to think it was the job…but the truth was…it was that without you…he lost himself"

Before she could formulate a response, the woman was gone.

Tugging her lip between her teeth she tried to hold back but she could taste the salty tears on her lips and she couldn't fake it anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This is it, the end. Ack! Thank you guys for supporting me. I'm still green about writing EO so knowing that people are reading and your reviews mean a lot. **

**So I didn't mention last chapter but the man Liv is dating is Ellis. I just used him because it worked with the plot, lol.**

**Also, there are two dream sets in here. The 2****nd**** one is a bit different, it's more of a smattering of dreams rather than one cohesive one. I hope that makes sense.**

**Anyway, thank you all so much. I have a long EO fic in the works that I hope you will give a chance when it's ready. **

_He had stuck a post it note on her desk leading to the one in her locker, leading to the one in the interrogation room, which lead to the roof. _

_Blowing out a cold breath he waited, hands shoved in pockets, balancing on the balls of his feet. A stark nervousness crept up his spine and he felt like a dumb teenager in love for the first time. In ways, it was the first time he had ever felt like this because how he felt about her was like nothing he had ever experienced. It was the most exhilarating, frightening thing he had ever faced and it was worth every moment of every day. _

_When the door finally opened he swallowed the lump in his throat and greeted her eyes. With furrowed brows she came towards him, "What are you doing here? And what's up with the post it notes…Amaro was looking at me like I had lost my mind" she teased. _

_Holding out his hands he waited until she put hers over them and then he steadied his gaze, "I never realized how much this place would change my life" he began, "And then you walked in…and it was like that moment something shifted."_

_Toffee eyes shimmer with tears and confusion, "El"_

_Shaking his head he clears his throat, "I don't remember the moment I fell in love with you; after awhile it just seemed like it was a part of me" Tears escaped his eyes now, the emotion coursing through him, "And I know we don't do this, grand declarations, but Liv, God…I'm so in love with you"_

_Tears made tracks down both of their cheeks and her hands trembled in his own as he pulled one away and reached in his jacket pocket. His own hand shook as the cool metal touched his fingers and he gripped it tightly pulling it out. _

"_El" she gasped her eyes widening and if he wasn't so fucking nervous he would laugh._

"_I want to be your husband, so Olivia Benson, marry me" _

OoO

Maureen had come after Kathy left; the bags still stark under her eyes but changed and showered. It had taken the young woman's prodding for her to head home and try to get some semblance of rest. She knew she wouldn't; not while he was in there.

She had six missed calls. Four were from Ellis, one from Fin, and one from Cragen.

Sighing she walked down to the parking garage and called Cragen first, "Benson, where the hell are you"

It was then she almost lost it, the enormity of all that had happened slamming into her, "Cap"

"Olivia, are you okay?"

The tears stat to fall without provocation and she chokes back the sob in her gut and lets the waves of anguish crash over her, "It's Elliot"

OoO

"_I'm pregnant"_

"_Elliot, this is my partner Nick Amaro, Nick this is…my…my Elliot"_

"_Well it looks like in four months you will be welcoming a little girl into this world"_

"_Olivia Stabler"_

"_You take care of her or I'll kick your ass"_

"_Daddy do you want to cut the cord"_

"_She's perfect Liv…just like her mom"_

"_Emerson Stabler"_

"_Daddy, Emmy and I want pancakes for breakfast"_

"_I never really thought this would come true but I'm so happy it did"_

OoO

Cragen had told her to take the days off and she hadn't even argued. She was tired of fighting…so damn tired.

After showering she had lie in bed and stared at the ceiling trying to will her body to rest. In twenty four hours her life had been irrevocably changed. The moment Elliot had shown up at her door, no matter how angry and hurt she had been, she knew that there was no going back…the look in his eyes had told her that he wasn't going to let them.

Her phone vibrates again as she's walking back into Bellevue and she doesn't even look at the Caller ID because right now; they don't matter.

OoO

His eyes flutter open, than slam shut when the light stings them. Slowly he works his way to rapidly blinking them open until he can finally start adjusting to the light. His body throbs, and it takes him a moment to realize where he is and the memory of the car coming at him. He had tried to swerve but the collision course was already mapped out.

Closing his eyes again he swears he can smell her…and he's sure it's just a dream and he doesn't want to wake up this time. It isn't until he feels her under his fingertips that he allows himself to open his eyes again.

Their hands are entwined, tendrils of her hair wrapped up between their fingers and it feels like a tether that binds them. Her head is on the edge of his bed, and by the steadiness of her breathing he can tell she is asleep. It's humbling and for a moment he forgets about the physical pain that is coursing through him.

This is what he wants…to be able to watch her sleep, to feel intricate bindings to her. He doesn't want to move, doesn't want to disturb her and if this is a dream, he doesn't want to wake up.

OoO

Maureen had left promising to come by that evening after he woke and she hadn't realized how tired she was until she had laced their fingers and placed her head on his bed.

"Well, look who's awake" the nurse said rousing her from her sleep.

As her eyes snapped open her gaze rose to his face. His blue eyes sparkled, deepening to almost a cobalt color and she felt the breath rush from her lungs in relief. They didn't speak, just stared at each other for a few long moments until the nurse cleared her throat.

Letting go of the warmth in his hand left her with a cold radiating from her insides, "How's the pain Mr. Stabler"

She could feel his eyes on her as she stared at the young nurse, "On a scale of 1-10, about a 15" he rasped.

"Okay well I'm going to give you something for that but first the doctor is going to come and explain your injuries"

"Kay"

When she leaves they are left alone with the sea of everything closing around them, "Liv"

Toffee colored and cerulean meet, "El"

And he has to tell her because if he doesn't do it right now and he loses the chance to, he will hate himself forever. He should have done it in her apartment, should have pushed back harder because he almost lost the chance. If he would have died in that accident; she would have never known the depth of what he felt for her. Opening his hand he holds it out to her.

Her hand trembles and she bites her lip hard but places it over his palm as he interlocks their fingers, "I'm sorry it took me so long…I'm sorry for avoiding you…and it wasn't because I didn't miss you" he started swallowing hard to keep the emotion at bay.

"El"

He knows she wants him to stop. He can look into her eyes and still read the fear but he can't stop…not now, "Liv, I spent every day thinking about what I had done wrong in my life…how I had messed up everything up...I needed to fix me before I ruined anything else"

The look in his eyes made her bones ache in pain. There were few moments she had seen him like this…undone, raw and it scared her and made her long to envelope herself in him.

"I needed to know that I wouldn't hurt you anymore…and I know I did by leaving"

"El, stop" she orders feeling a tear slide from her eye.

"I'm sorry I'm not good at this" he chokes out squinting back the own moisture in his eyes, "What I'm trying to say…is the whole time I imagined spending my life with you…and I don't mean as partners…God, I'm so in love with you"

OoO

Everything stops. She can feel her heartbeat in her ears but it's like the rest of the world ceases to exist in that moment. It was a moment she had foolishly dreamt of and woke up in the morning hating herself for. But she never actually thought…especially after he had left.

Nothing makes sense and she can't speak and she's stuck to the chair and cannot find the strength in her legs to move or to even let go of his hand.

The door clicks again with the happy nurse and the connection is severed as she lets go of his hand and practically runs out of the door trying to push air back into her lungs.

_He loves her…he loves her…_

**Two Weeks Later**

She likes to fancy herself tough as nails…but she's a coward. She ran home that day and told herself she wasn't going to look back. Except she called Maureen every day to check on him, and she would show up at Bellevue at 3 in the morning to look through the window in his room.

Cragen hadn't batted an eye when she asked for some time off; they both knew it was a long time coming. Now she sat outside a coffee shop and waited.

His eyes when he sat down told her that he already knew, "You've been avoiding my calls"

Maybe she could have fallen in love with him…another time, another place. He was a good man, and he had given her some semblance of hope when she was dangling on a withering string.

"Sorry"

He nods, "Is it Elliot?"

There is no anger in his voice but she can feel her eyes widen in shock and he tilts his head with a small forlorn smile, "You say his name in your sleep sometimes…he's your ex-partner, right?"

Ex-partner…the words burn like acid on her skin but there is no use lying to him, lying to herself, "I just need to figure some things out"

"Okay" is all he responds as he pushes back in his chair and before he goes he looks to her, "I always knew you were on loan but I don't regret the time we've spent together…you deserve happiness Olivia Benson, wherever you find it"

OoO

His body aches but it's his heart that struggles to limp to beat. He wants to call her, wants to go over to her apartment and just get her to listen…but he doesn't. Partially because he's just been released from the hospital and the other part is that he's not sure he can take the rejection. Maybe he was fooling himself, dreams were just dreams…but how was he supposed to go on and live the rest of his life with these damn snippets of the life he wanted haunting him every time he closed his eyes.

Maureen had brought him home, filled his prescriptions but he was alone in his apartment and waffling between scared to go to sleep and needing to see her face.

OoO

The scrap of paper is crumpled in her palm and she's sat outside the apartment building for 20 minutes trying to work up the courage to go up. Banging her hand on the steering wheel she finally forced herself out of the car. Two flights up and there his apartment was. Closing her eyes she tried to mentally prepare herself; her mantra was that he wasn't thinking clearly in the hospital…that he probably didn't even remember saying those words.

It was a lie; she had seen it in his eyes…she had felt it in his touch and that scared the shit out of her.

Two swift knocks, "Hold on" he said gruffly and she could hear his feel pad across the floor.

When he opens it, his eyes widen, and those oceans inside of them waft over her, "I came back"

OoO

He doesn't care if he's got broken ribs, a lung that still burns like shit because in an instant she's in her arms, the soft curves of her fitting against the hard planes of him perfectly as he inhales the smell of her hair.

It's not a dream this time…she came back to him and this time he's going to make sure it's for good.


End file.
